On Thursday last week my doctor sent me for an MRI. With a history of thyroid cancer, I’m kind of used to medical procedures. However, this one made me a little anxious – OK a lot anxious! In a previous scan, another doctor (not my oncologist) had noticed a “spot” on my liver. (Don’t you love how vague that is? I pretty much freaked out as soon as I heard the words come out of his mouth.) After speaking with my oncologist I realized that this was not an uncommon finding. But, because of my history he needed to get a better image of the “spot” in question.
After waiting four hours at U.K. Hospital on Thursday afternoon, my precious nurse came in to tell me that they would not be performing my MRI after all. My routine blood work showed an “elevated” hormone level. She referred me back to my doctor for more info. Eventually, I learned that there was a slight possibility I could be pregnant. In the words of my oncologist, I was “in the gray zone”.
Living in the gray is often part of life. So many times fear, doubt, joy, and happiness are all wrapped up into the same circumstances. It’s rare that we are ever in the clear-cut; black-and-white phase of life. (How many times have I prayed it would be that way!) I don’t know about you, but I prefer the easy road. I want a comfortable life. Sometimes I will take the mediocre known over the terrifying unknown. Walking the balance beam of the present and the future can feel paralyzing at times. And this got me thinking about the dancing ladies…
Often times in the clubs I wonder why these women don’t just pack up and leave. Why in the world would anyone choose to live a life that is less than they deserve? Surely anything would be better than dancing for money. But then I think about all the times that I’ve wanted to cling tightly to what I know because of the fear of what I don’t know. Maybe it would be better, but what if it got worse. What if it’s not black in white? What if it’s complicated? What if we end up in the gray zone indefinitely?
My doctor recommended that I cancel my MRI until I could clarify the status of my pregnancy. He wrote an order for blood work and told me to come back next week for results. He informed me that if I was indeed pregnant, he felt comfortable enough to hold off on my MRI for about 9 months. If my blood work came back negative, he suggested that I go ahead and re-schedule the scan.
Just like a skilled physician, God knows how to handle any situation we may find ourselves in. He is wise enough to guide us through the gray areas of life, and he will never leave us there. Yes, it may be messy. It probably won’t be black-and-white, but it will be something fuller and truer than that. It will be the beautiful story that God Himself is writing for each one of our lives. Full of twists and turn? Yes. Unpredictable? Definitely. Certain to have an amazing ending? Every time.
Our prayer at Bruised Reed is that we can share the faithfulness of our God with women and men who may feel too afraid to trust Him. Our lives are not so different from the people we serve through this ministry. We are all called to leave our security and comfort (whatever that looks like) in order to follow a God who is bigger and mightier than we could ever imagine. And it’s never easy, but it’s always good.